What happened

A lot of things have happened since I last updated. At first, times were tough for me. I was dating someone who was still in a relationship with someone else. He even lied to about having broken up with his boyfriend and came out to see my family. I also felt at times like the way he treated me outside of this reality was abusive. I felt like he would start fights about very silly things such as whether dogs came from one genetic strain of wolves or multiple and then would get irate if he was factually wrong. I remember saying how I just didnt't want to fight about things like that. However, we continued in this sort of relationship behind his boyfriend's back for the better part of six months. I don't want to justify how it started. Really it started because I felt sorry for him. I thought I saw some very wonderful qualities in him and would listen to him complain about how awfully his boyfriend would treat him. At the time, I got sucked into it. I thought I could fix things, make things better for both of us. I think part of it was that I felt like I had been having such rotten luck with guys. I justified my actions in that way, even though now I realize it wasn't justifiable. Now I realize that it is something I did that I am not proud of.

Anyways with this going on, I met someone else. I remember explaining to him how frustrated I was and how mistreated I felt and he just listened. Then in time he asked me out on a date. I did take him up on his offer and we had a wonderful date, but I made it explicitly clear to him that I was still dating the other guy who I had cheated on with his bf LOL. It just makes me laugh now to think how ridiculous the situation really was. Well...it was clear that the guy who asked me out had some feelings for me and I liked him too and he told me that he didn't want me to go around dating other people. And my first response was LATER.

BUT, after thinking about it for 12 hours, I couldn't help but think nonabusive, nice guy who I'm more compatible with and sexually attracted to OR abusive guy that I think I have strong feelings for. It wasn't even a contest. And now I am in a stable relationship with a wonderful guy I've been seeing almost five months.

I think my life has gotten better since he has been involved. I feel like he supports me and loves me, but also gives me the space that I need to grow. I have much to be grateful for.

A liberating experience for me has been the realization that life is not fair. The sense that other people should and have to be fair to me, does not make it so. My situation was not fair, but so what? I had the power to walk away, keep the situation as it was, or have a serious talk with the boyfriend cheater. I chose to keep the situation the way it was at the time. I feel very fortunate that I met such a wonderful person who helped me make a choice that ultimately made my life so much better. I'm hoping the same analytical rigor to other situations in my life.

Hopefully, I can write more and more in here again. :)

Authority

I am a sensitive person. Things happened this weekend that did make me question my life and my involvement with certain people and an organization. I cannot place the blame just on other people. I know I'm not a perfect person and I know too that certain things bother me probably more than many other people. However, I'm not going to not validate my feelings or cover up for them.

A part of the real problem for me is the lack of open communication. I am not one to make inferences when I do not have clear guidelines to begin with. I am also frustrated that certain authority figures find my questioning somehow subordinate when I don't have clear guidelines and I continue to observe hypocritical behavior. It also frustrates me when authority figures pick out clear favorites and I'm obviously not one of them.

I also find myself frustrated in the clear lack of organizational structure. I have not been hearing the full story by the leadership which I find unfair. I cannot in good conscience give myself membership to an organization when I see many behind the scenes dealings over which I am not even aware of until later. It makes me mistrust the organization and the leadership.

I also find the moral code of certain individuals questionable as far as their actions versus the expectations that they place upon other people. I'm really at a loss. As much as I do want to be involved, I think I need to take a step back and think about what I am doing and how much this organization is achieving what was intended originally.

I think when people don't speak up to things that they find unjust, that unjustice will continue to happen. I don't need to hammer the point home, I think that most minorities would understand that we cannot gain rights or priviledges by sitting down and not speaking our mind. I find it almost ironic that an organization that champions minority rights has issues with its own members questioning how things are run.

I am also very worried about my mom. I am emotional this week because I don't know what will happen on Wednesday and it is just heightening my anxiety about other aspects of my life.

State of Union Continued

I was looking at my other weblogs and reading them, reminiscing about my sophmore year, which was sooo well documented. It made me kind of sad. I was so boy obsessed then, so obsessed about the idea of the one and a relationship. I'm not sure if I've totally changed. Many of the habits I developed them are habits I still have and I wish I could say I've made immense progress since then, but I can't say for sure. I see many of the same traits in myself now when it comes to guys, except for really the past few months. Really ever since my brief thing with Jeff....

I was so hurt when he broke up with me, but it had nothing to do with him. It was all me. I was scared of repeating the same cycle I had done before of running to the next person to temporarily feel better. Yeah...I'm being totally honest and open here in public. But after Jeff, I really just stopped. I didn't have someone else who was there right away or interested and I didn't really want someone that much. Some nights I felt like it would be nice, but I just reached a point where my own happiness became more important than trying to temporarily feel better.

Right now I'm in a situation where I feel like I am risking my dignity and respect for someone. I know it's not a good situation, but I also really have true feelings that isn't just a temporary fix to me. And as much as I wanted to to not fight for this situation after 2 cycles of up and down, I realized that I wanted this because it just was. The more I got to know him, the more I just felt comfortable and happy. When I'm around him, I am content and comfortable. I don't feel like I have to impress him and I don't feel like he's judging me and assessing how worthy I am for him. I don't do the same either. He was never someone I would have considered dating when I first met him, and I hate to use the term dating. It just feels so natural and not constructed with him...more inevitable.

And this is important to me as it represents some change I have made in a positive direction in my life, although I can't objectively assess the entire situation now and say what this change will bring.

Reflecting on journal entries from 2004, I want to be somewhere else in my life in a year from now. I'm not 19 anymore and I'm starting to realize this. Maybe it was the rejection from NSF or the realization that I haven't really done all the things I wanted to this year or achieved even close to half of my goals. Maybe I'm austere with myself and push myself too hard. I'm just reflective right now of the precarious position I find myself to be in.

I am happy about some of the positive changes I have made in my life here. The biggest positive change has been a greater focus and direction towards promoting my health and caring about my health. A big step towards this has been my ferocity towards safer sex. I took a rapid HIV test on Tuesday and the results came back negative. I was not even surprised because I've had so little sex...so little anything. And it's somewhat of a choice and somewhat because I don't feel like I have options. However, I am confident at least 85% confident that this situation will change in the future.

I am also happy about some the friends I have made here. I really feel like some of my friends here will continue to be my friend long after I have gone from this place. I have been busy and I have not been perfect about keeping in contact with my friends from either Indiana or Arizona, but for real neither have they. I got a call from my former roommate Pinkus on St. Sonka's day and that was sweet. It was nice to hear some of my brothers' voices in Indiana.

Madonna was right. You can only grow so much in one place. Who I am in upstate New York is the healthiest and happiest person I have ever been overall.

I am concerned with the health of my parents. Over Christmas, my dad's sister and our family dog passed away. This realyl upset everyone, but especially my mother, and she had her third stroke. She has heart surgery tomorrow and I'm worried. I hope everything goes well. Possibly I'm selfish for being here and them being there. I never knew what would make me happiest. Ever since I was 16, I knew I wanted to move away from Arizona. It was painful for me and I longed to try to explore something else. Now I wonder if that was best for my family.

I got the heavy shit out of the way. Save the light stuff for later.

My state of the Union

Since I last wrote a public entry....I graduated, went home and relaxed. I recovered my sanity and my health. I got ready for grad school. I left Indiana for good and Arizona for good probably as well and traveled to New York. My mom and I drove up here together. I think it was a good bonding experience for us since she stayed with me for some days, but I know that it was hard on everyone. My dad didn't get my mom's cooking and had to resort to lean cuisine, which is pretty hellacious.

I started school at Cornell. I tried my best to acquaint myself with the new surroundings, culture, and people. I joined a few organizations, but had time conflicts and lack of desire for some. I ended up focusing extra time on fitness and I met a boy and we started dating. I thought he was really swell, but things didn't work out. I joined a great organization DLP (a gay fraternity).

I'm just done with office hours so I will update this more another time.

Go here:

http://www.elroy.net/ehr/fighttheright.html